The only thing guaranteed to send me to sleep is a post about sleep deprivation. So I'm writing one.Ah, the 'difficult sleeper'. Those kids who, no matter what you do or don't do, they don't sleep like they're 'supposed to'. They are basically nocturnal, although they won't sleep in the daytime either. They rarely sleep through the night, they don't seem to understand that controlled-crying isn't supposed to be totallyoutofcontrol-crying, they don't get that night-time is for sleeping.
+++
I sit by the door with the whoosh of the unset radio whispering into the room. There is silence in the cot. I count to 100 again. Still quiet, but risky. I count to 1000, each number striking at my brain with a pick. All is silent inside the cot. I start to rise, but thoughts of freedom are too loud in my mind and the wailing starts up all over again. Sighing, I ease back down. Whoosh goes the radio. Whooshhhhhh.
+++
Although we've moved on from the torture of chronic sleep deprivation, years have passed since we last had a decent sleep around here. I understand that parenting can be tough and I was warned by everyone including the service station attendant that I could kiss a good night's sleep goodbye when my baby came along... but surely, surely they didn't mean forever?
+++
Many nights I crouched by the cot like a wild, unformed animal. Tears streaming, son screaming, feeling the night flood through me like a dank pond. With every shred of strength I willed that child to sleep, the word like a droning buzz in my mind. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Oh please, just sleep.
+++
My son is what I call a hard-core non-sleeper. For whatever reason, the kid has never liked to go to sleep and certainly has never enjoyed staying asleep. He moved from wide-awake newborn through to night-terror toddler through to separation-anxiety preschooler through to... well, I'm not sure what he is these days now that's he's in school. He's just... awake.
o
+++
oPat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat o pat pat pat...
+++
After years of trying every technique in the book to improve his rest, there are three fundamental things that I know.
- You can't make a child sleep if they don't want to.
- They are not staying awake nightly just to spite you.
- You need to do whatever you need to do to get a decent night's sleep.
+++
Fuckyoulittlebabyandyourhorriblemother. Justmotherfuckingsleep.
+++
When all is said and done, it just is what it is. One day it will be what it was and I look forward to that day immensely. But until such a time, as long as my children are content and happy during the day, I have to assume that they are getting what they need at night. And one day I'll be getting what I need too... one day.
++++
I can't go in, I can't go in. Let's just leave him cry, I can't go in. I can't open my eyes, I can't move my legs, I can't move my brain. I'm just so, so, so, so tired. I can't go in.
And in I go.
++++
And if you're a soon-to-be mum and you're reading this post and you're absolutely terrified, know this: I love my sleep, I need my sleep and never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be able to do what I've done since my first baby came along. But night after night after night after night, there I was, there I am; just doing what a mother does. Because somehow, just by being there, we guard them against the night.
So, ah, how's the sleep at your place?
