I'm not the most tactful person in the world which is less than ideal given that I work with some of the most arrogant and annoying people on earth (see "I'm not the most tactful person..."). Ergo, I've had loads of experience picking my way through social and political minefields so I thought I'd share my top tips on Dealing with Difficult People.Maybe they missed out on selection to the Sydney 2000 Badminton squad. Maybe they peaked in high school and just want to go back. Maybe their surname is Jones so there's a certain expectation thing going on. Whatever the reason, the Competitive Parent (CP) just makes you want to run, run, run away. Very fast.
I first encountered these Difficult People in the hospital with my
pesky newborn. Day 3, C-Section smarting like a teacher's pet, rumbling down the hall with the world's loudest breast pump machine in front and the angst-ridden newborn in the trolley behind. Busy, you know?
"Oh," cooed the CP. "Breastfeeding not working out for you?"
Be fooled by neither the CP's warmth nor their question. They are not interested in you. Before I had a chance to respond ("Yes actually, it's going great. So great, in fact, that I thought I'd spend the next two and a half hours pumping out an additional 40 mls
just because I can...") she launched into the real reason why she was cooing.
"It's my first baby too," she chummed. "But, to be honest, I don't know what all the fuss is about. He was breastfeeding before they even cut the cord... so easy, so natural. So
right. He just found his way there like a little primate and it's been BLISS, pure bliss... sigh. Well, good luck with the world's loudest breast pump. You know, by the sounds of things last night, your baby could do with a volume switch too! Toodles."
Yes, CPs are scary creatures, but I'm not afraid. Try these pointers the next time you encounter one:
1. Don't engageYou'll notice in the convo above that even though I didn't get a word in, I was
going to respond. Rookie. I haven't made that mistake since. Don't talk to these people. They may ask you a question, but it's okay to look down and spend the moment picking off the crusted Weetbix* on your baggy t-shirt. They will have the same conversation whether you talk or you don't - they don't need your feedback. Let them get whatever miraculous deed their child has done today off their chest and then just calmly walk away.
2. Don't encourageOften normal parents will make the mistake of oohing a little. A bit of 'good for her', an occasional 'well done' for added effect as Tenor's school report is given the blow-by-blow by a proud mama. Under normal circumstances this is expected and harmless. But you're not dealing with a normal parent here and every 'good for her' translates as 'future banker' and 'well done' just adds 'at Macquarie' to the portfolio. Just listen quietly and get working on that Weetbix.
3. Don't take it out on their childIt's tempting. If you spend morning after morning at the Kindy school gate hearing about Rainer's future career prospects, you kinda don't like him. You may find yourself trying to get dirt on Rainer via your child ("So, um, how did, say,
Rainer go with the colouring in? Lines, no lines?" ) but it will all be fruitless. Rainer is not at fault here, he's really just an impeccably-dressed innocent bystander. Relax, with a name like Rainer he will get what's coming to him.
4. Don't take it out on your childLike any victim, you listen to enough of your oppressor's version of reality and pretty soon their incredible child becomes your reality. Before long, your own child's achievements start to look, well, a bit lacklustre. Horrifying, impossible, never-on-my-watch, but true. No matter how tempting, don't ever start a conversation with "Did you hear that Tayhlia was picked as the prettiest ever contestant on Australia's Next Top Model?" as it will only end in tears.
5. When all else fails, failIf weeks have gone by and the silent treatment is not working, lower the bar. As the Libby Lenton of parenting, the CP is completely disinterested in the paddling pool. So for every achievement, counter attack with an under-achievement. "Reilly was first in her class for spelling" / "Sam can spell Sam"; "Reilly got a medal for running" / "Sam got told off for running"; "Reilly is on level 23 for reading" / "Sam can read Sam". Believe me, the CP will soon be off to deeper waters.
Oh, hush. Don't worry, no real harm done. You're just
pretending your child is below par, remember? We all secretly know that there has never been a child quite as golden or as smart or as beautiful as
your child...
Know any CPs? How do you handle them? Are you prepared to admit to being one?
* The hardest substance known to man.
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[Image by Suse Bauer of some of her many amazing Revoluzzza monster softies!]
