Last week I tore a strip off some teenage lads in a public swimming pool delivering them a frosty admonishing in response to extreme swearing in front of my kids.
“Hoy there!” I said shouting a phrase that is universally only used when chastising teenagers, ”That’s enough of that!” (ditto), “Not in front of wee kids, eh?”
The effing and jeffing momentarily stopped and later, as the boys were being turfed out of the pool by similarly aged attendants for stabbing small children with metal forks that they had secreted in their Speedos (this is true!), I smirked in their direction with a “that’ll learn ya!” self satisfied smirk. They hadn’t seen me get out of the glorious Mini, so my paintwork couldn’t be associated with me and my middle-aged finger waving ways.
Later, I was telling the story to a friend and I realised that my kids and their associates have come out with their own choice phrases on their own, and didn't need any coaching from teenagers. Some of it possibly in response to hearing other family members (not me, just my Mum and my husband)slip the odd colourful phrase out.
Here are some absolute beauties:
Miss Misssy
Situation: On being assaulted by our excitable jumping dog,The Black Menace, whilst sat on the sofa minding her own business.
Phrase: “Fuxsake Sonny!! Get down!”
That was last year. I blame her father.
Darling Curly Niece
Situation: Called her Dad this a couple of weeks ago in a fit of rage.
Phrase: “You hairy bum-ass. You worm licking bum-ass!”
You may laugh but I guarantee you’ll use that phrase in your next argument.
Indy
My two year old (but now 12 year old) toddling son shouted “Bloody flies!” as a bluebottle bombed its way into the kitchen one summer. Everyone looked round at my Mum, Frazzlegran, “Bloody flies!!” being a hall mark catchphrase of his dishtowel wielding insect hating grandma.
Miss Misssy's chum, Ellie
Then last week, I asked my daughter’s friend Ellie why they didn’t have their Jack Russell anymore. “Because he’s a complete pain in the arse,” she said very matter or factly, like she was discussing a canine medical condition.
Small party guest with Tourette's Syndrome
A small boy from my daughter’s nursery class stole the show last year when my husband did his, now legendary, magic show at Miss Misssy’s birthday party. Already reeling from another boy’s heckle of “You’re not magic!” My husband was verbally assaulted by a small blond boy who, apropos of nothing, shouted “You’ve got shitty shoes!” And then once the adults in the room did a “Did you just hear what I just heard?” glanceathon, he piped up, “You’ve got shit on your shoes” as if to clarify his initial statement to avoid all doubt. Aside from this slander- My husband patently did not have shit on his shoes. In fact, I doubt he was wearing any shoes, as this would be a breach of our “No Shoe Policy”- it was the sheer randomness of his comments that surprised me most. Had he heard it from his dad? Or was he quoting directly from a scene in Dirty Harry?
In consideration of all the above infant transgressions, I feel an apology coming on to the fork wielding jail dodging orators of the local swimming pool. Little kids don’t need subjection to teenage hoodlums to be turned offensive. They can do that quite well enough on their own.
So really what this teaches me is, kids listen. Not just to sweary teenage boys in swimming pools with an affection for the F and C words, but they listen to EVERYTHING. Be warned.
♥
Gillian Martin is the author of Cocktails at Naptime along with her co-author Emma Kaufmann. It's been a pleasure having your company, Gillian. Thank you so much for the post and... the GIVEAWAYS!
To win one of two of Gillian and Emma's laugh-out-loud book, simply leave a comment on any of the five guest posts that have featured this week, Monday to Friday. You know how much we love a comment around Maxabellaland. They make the blogging world go-round!
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I do hope you've enjoyed my holiday guest week as much as I have.
I'll see you all for Grateful Saturday tomorrow!
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