I won't link to the author just now as I'm not sure she wants the debate to rage on for her, but last week a loving Mum wrote a post about her frustration with her three year old and mentioned in that post that she smacked her daughter on a day when things just became all too much.
The debate, yes it raged.
Smacking is one of those polarising parenting issues. The only other parenting choice that I know of that sees more negativity is bottle feeding. They are both 'dark ages' parenting styles that the more 'enlightened' are very quick to judge.
I can't believe I'm wading into this murky debate - and god knows I'm really over having the 'judging is so wrong' conversation - but I did want to tell you about my experience and what works for me.
I never wanted to smack. Before children I once saw a mother in a shopping centre smacking her child on the bottom saying "Don't hit your brother!"
That was all I needed to know right there.
I also knew that I didn't want to be the kind of parent that talked endlessly on and on to (at?) her young child about their naughty behaviour but did nothing to actually discipline the child. I didn't know what the middle ground was, but I was going to find out what it was and be that parent (you know how we are before children...)
I absolutely wasn't going to be a smacker.
But once upon a time when Maxi was three almost four and I felt like everything else I was doing just wasn't working any more and I was at my wit's end, I did try smacking on the advice of a few trusted people. I did it twice and each time felt extremely uncomfortable, I felt like I had failed. Mostly because, like many parenting things, I sort of stuffed up and used a wooden spoon, not my hand. Seriously, I really didn't get it, did I?
Many would think that my using a wooden spoon as a 'weapon' was tantamount to abuse immediately, not worrying about how hard the smack was or where it was. And, to be honest, I would probably agree with them. Not the 'weapon' bit, because that's just ridiculous, but the abusive bit... well, maybe. No, I don't believe I scarred Maxi for life with a couple of smacks. But I definitely believe that I hurt him and scared him and disappointed him. And I hurt and scared and disappointed myself. Because if I was that uncomfortable after one smack, why on earth were there two?
Parenting is hard.
Fact is, I didn't think the smacking approach worked any better than the 'time out' approach I had been using. I suppose immediately after the smacks the 'threat' of the wooden spoon might have saved me from the, oh I don't know, bother of a time out or two, but it didn't last long and fear of the wooden spoon certainly destroyed any hope Maxi might have had to be a chef one day. Sorry, bad joke.
Anyway, I realised that I had done the smacking when I felt like I didn't have any other options. When I'd exhausted the techniques that I had learned and that had worked up until that point and beyond that I didn't have a plan. Smacking was reactive. I felt panicked, overwhelmed - not 'out of control' but certainly not 'in control'. How trustworthy is a mother in that state? How trustworthy is a person in that state?
What I didn't realise was that none of it really mattered anyway. This, too, shall pass. Those moments, when I was at my wit's end with my super-naughty, super-defiant, super-willful son, just... passed. I can barely even remember what they were like. New frustrations took their place, certainly - he was and still is the same super-naughty, super-defiant, super-willful child, plus, YAY, I have two more just like him - but I was different.
I never smacked again. We started to use the 1,2,3 approach* and it has worked for us for years. Partly because we're 100% consistent with it, but mostly because I have never again let my children's behaviour get under my skin the way I did in those exhausting early days. Because those moments of utter 'what am I going to do with this child' despair, well, in the end they just don't matter enough.
So, these days, when I feel like I'm getting to that point where I'd rather quietly slit my wrists in the bathroom than hear my child defy me again (ie, most days, many times a day), I don't even think that a smack might sort that child right out. If it's not an option, it's not an option.
No, these days I always, always have a plan.
Just when I'm on the verge of losing it completely, I think 'it's time to lighten the f up before you lose it completely' and then, in the middle of a burning hot parent-child moment, I remember to take the high road. I remember that 'winning' doesn't really matter in the end and I use humour to diffuse a potentially combustible situation.
So, well, I put on my Cranky Pants. Yep, I pretend to put those babies on and I announce in a mock super-cross voice "Right then, the Cranky Pants are Going On". And noooobody likes it when the cranky pants go on because then Mum does the most insane cranky pants dance that is so unhinged and so silly that it's embarrassing even to a three year old and then it's really, really funny and then we're all laughing and then we're suddenly friends again AND THEN, then I say "so, do you think you could do X for your crazy mumma after all?'
And the answer is invariably... "yes". Yes, Mumma, I could do that, stop that, try that, help that, pick that up, put that down, move that... be that.
Yes, Mumma, I really, really could.
What techniques do you use to get yourself home safe under heavy fire?
Does a smack work for you? Have you, like me, ever been ashamed of something you've done as a parent? You can be Anonymous if you want. I really respect, and would love to hear, alternative views to my own.
* If you're keen, I can do a post on 1,2,3 but your mum will know this discipline method. 1 is a reminder of the behaviour we expect. 2 is a warning that if they don't change their behaviour, there will be consequences. 3 is the consequences. Certain behaviours skip the 1 and 2 and go straight to 3 (hitting is, unsurprisingly, one of them). These are all agreed as a family and are listed on our board. It is rare these days that we get all the way to 3, most of the time a 1 reminder is enough. That took a lot of work, but it's been that way for ages and I feel like we're mostly on top of things most of the time. x
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Edited 23/5
Louisa is comfortable with me sharing her post that inspired my post. You can read it here.
[Image by the uber-talented Elisabeth Dunker details a much better use for the humble wooden spoon]