You know we struggle with non-sleeping children and general Twilight Sleep in Maxabellaland. I can add a further sleep disruption. The Night Stalker.
Being an annoying Pollyanna-type has it’s benefits. Before having children I was never one to suffer from anxiety, other than the cold sweat often experienced when I realised it was 11pm and an unstarted uni paper was due at 9am the next morning. Sleep-wise, I would occasionally be up all night, awake for no apparent reason, but content enough to lie there dreaming of a future and sorting out my past. I still do this from time to time, I think we all do.
But post-Tsunamis, I often find my brain is about to explode with the stress of all this worrying about things in the night. Anxiety is my Night Stalker - hidden by day, running rampant at night.
Perhaps it’s my own silly fault because generally I refuse to acknowledge a lot of the stress of parenting and working and just... life. It is a theory of mine that you only get one life to live and I refuse to live it feeling stressed to the max... as if you can choose such a thing, silly me. But generally, it seems to work as I am a relatively calm, fuss-free sort of person and happy with it all.
But, every now and then the Night Stalker catches up with me and I spend a terrible night running from my own whirligig thoughts. The next morning after getting about an hour’s sleep from dawn until alarm time, I get on with the job of sorting out as many of thing that made me anxious as I can, but in the night time... oh. my. god. The Night Stalker is relentless.
I do that thing they recommend where I keep a pad and pen next to the bed to write down what is keeping me awake in the hope that my brain will think that the matter is settled until morning. Totally doesn't work, but it makes for interesting reading. These are the things I stressed about in the middle of the night last night:
Why did I eat all that ice cream before bed?
Is The Badoo cold?
I must remember to make that appointment for Maxi-Taxi to see the specialist about his tics
Did I remember to lock the front door?
Is The Badoo too hot?
I’ll just go and check the front door but does it matter if I locked the front door because if someone really wanted to come all the way over to our place to bust in here in the middle of the night to rape and pillage would a single key lock on a french door stop them?
I can’t forget to add so-and-so to the invite list for that meeting tomorrow morning.
Poor Maxi-Taxi – why does he have to potentially have some weird neurological disorder rather than just a bunch of average kid issues?
I might just go and check The Badoo’s blanket level
I just wish I wasn’t fat but I could still just stuff my face with all the good stuff to my heart's content who decided we weren't allowed to do that?
Does Cappers have the weird neurological disorder too because she’s been doing that weird eye thing lately?
Why don’t I care enough that I’m fat even though I suppose I must care on some level because I’m lying here agonising over a bowl of ice cream and wishing I wasn’t such a pigger but then if I really cared enough I wouldn’t eat the stupid ice cream in the first place, would I? Would I?
Was The Badoo sweating under those blankets in there or was it my imagination?
Don’t forget to add so-and-so to that meeting tomorrow morning.
Must remember to make Cappers an eye appointment tomorrow because you can always live in hope that she just needs glasses.
The Badoo is probably freezing in there right now.
My poor babies with the weird little mannerisms I love them so much and they are going to have a really rough time at school because kids are cruel from about 2nd grade onwards and they will stand out as being different and that just makes me want to rip every child in that mean little school who is in 2nd grade to shreds with my lion claws to keep them away from my little cubs or at least keep my cubs this exact same age when their odd little gestures don’t matter a bit.
Aaaaarrrrrggh... those nights when you can feel the Night Stalker lurking are nights when it’s just not even worth going to bed at all.
Are you visited by the Night Stalker?
What helps relieve anxiety for you?