Unless you're a celebprity, pregnancy and birth and breastfeeding all change a woman's body in ways weird and definitely-not wonderful. If you're a celebprity, you 'snap' back into shape within hours of birth (I'm still waiting for the 'snap' - I think I am the world's largest rubber band). Celebprities don't seem to suffer from the after-shocks of mortal mothering that still measuring high on the Richter years and years after the event.* But, if you're a normal person and not a mirage, you'll know what I'm talking about here.
There's the stretch marks. I remember running off a list to my doctor of all the creams and lotions and potions I was using on my stomach to prevent stretch marks and she said, "that's great, you'll have really well-moisturised stretch marks."
There's the boob flop. If you're over a C-cup pre-babies, all the bra engineering in the world can't save you.
There's the dry hair and skin. The stretchies might be moisturised, but the rest of you is drying up like a back paddock at noon in summer. You go through litres and litres of moisturiser but still, the paddock cracks and shrivels.
There's the sharpeiesque tum. If you're skinny, it's just lots of loose skin, but if you're bigger like me you get the added advantage of your fat filling out the excess skin to form a sort of permanent apron. Is this why we all get so into baking after our babies are born?
There's the pelvic floorless issue. I'm lucky to have escaped this one touchwoodcrossmyfingers. Turns out that travelling for months through Africa and the Middle East was exceptionally good training for pregnancy (have you seen their toilets?).
But the bit about post-preggy/birthy/booby bodies that I really don't understand is the downy face. Mother Duck indeed. A little layer of hair popped up across my face while pregnant and has never, ever gone away. Of course I get that no-one else notices except me, but that still doesn't stop me from eyeing my husband's razor wistfully from time to time (and then freaking out totally that I was ever even remotely wistful). I am so glad that I am fair and not dark. I don't quite know what I'd do if the downy hairs were dark...
What's the worst thing that being preggy/birthy/booby did to you?
* However, did you see the awesomeness that was Katie Holmes splashed across mags last week? Her apparently too-skinny weight is her own business, but how delightful to see what looked to be a real-live 'I have given birth' stretchy f-off tum! I suddenly love her.